I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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