In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
