you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
