I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
