I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
