I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
