I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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