i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
