FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
