My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
