somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Vodka?
Forever.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
