my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
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