i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
