and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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