watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
