I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
