The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
