I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
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