Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
