By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
