I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
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