The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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