True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
