theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
