I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
