i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
