The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
