I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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