I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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