I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
