3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
