I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I touched a dick in church today
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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