I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
