I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
