I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
