I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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