i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
