Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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