I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
