I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
