he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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