I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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