wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
