In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
