I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
