I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
