Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
