Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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