How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
