It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
